Hey there all in Metal-Temple.com land. We here at the law offices of Chach, Chach, and Boner thought it'd be a good time to turn the tables on Metal-Temple.com's Orpheus and present him with a battery of questions destined to put his third-grade education to the test. Incidentally, we're gay.

We were wondering why Heavy Metal dudes from 15-20 years ago were so much cooler than those of today. Considering that, the old school Metal dude wore the beat-up denim jacket with the Venom or Slayer back patch, screwed hot shop class chicks, and did blow in the boy’s laboratory. Today’s Metal guys remind us of the Columbine dorks - last kids picked during gym class, wanted everyone to think they were scary, etc. What’s up with that?

Well, I strongly believe that the music industry’s played its role in that. Of course times always change; 40 years ago it again (probably) was a completely different situation. I’ve always blamed the music industry for trying to force a certain crossbreed of different genres in order to discover something that would sell more, something new. I mean when did Rap for example ever have anything to do with Heavy Metal (apart from a few cooperations here and there every now and then)?

Really, I used to appreciate MTV 15 years ago until I realized how innocent I was and what was going on. The fricking media (especially the television) has so much control over a huge majority of people, it even seems so darn unfair sometimes battling against enforced commercialization with our tiny (compared to them) magazines, webzines and what not.

But hey, that’s what gangs like us are here for. To spread the good stuff around because despite the fact that there’s a lot of sheep out there, there’s also a lot of people who still have their brains where they should be and they’re thirsty! So, here’s all the water you can handle…

Who these days believes that Glenn Danzig’s actually cool?

Glenn Danzig himself. Just kidding! I guess Katrina and Panagiotis… two of my journalists… I for one don’t listen to Danzig, so there you go. I guess there’s still a handful (or more) of people out there who dig him.

Name 5 bands whose tour busses you wish would drive off a cliff with them in it? Explain why.

01. H.I.M.: Who ever died and called them Love Metal? They’re really what I’d call gay music. No, not gay music as in music for gay people but really lame music - I mean, gay people probably listen to way cooler stuff than H.I.M.. Ville Vallo (vocals) is probably every fat truck driver’s overnight fantasy. Oh yeah, and every 15 year old girl’s crush or whatever…

02. Metallica: Do I really need to elaborate over this? Metallica disappeared after the release of the Black album back in the early 90’s. To quote my good ol’ webmaster, they were abducted by aliens and were replaced by clones. Hahaha!

03. Queensryche: Because every single thing they’ve put out during the last 10 years (at least 10 years…) has sucked more Bangladeshi cohones than George Michael & Pretty Boy Floyd together. And now they’re about to put out the sequel to Operation: Mindcrime. Please, let them prove me wrong - I wanna be proven wrong, I wouldn’t mind at all but I have this fucked up feeling it’s going to suck, suck, suck, suck…

04. Dragonforce: These dudes play faster than me jerking off in front of the biggest porn movie theatre screen in the universe. They’re actually so fast that it ends up being so damn ridiculous - there are no words to describe this. And why the fuck are they being promoted so much by the music industry when there’s bands out there like for example Pyramaze who deserve a way better push. And by the way, I am the fastest wanker in the universe…

05. Limp Bizkit: Because they’re NOT Metal despite many people insisting on describing them as Metal. Fuck off, have you ever heard of Accept or Judas Priest or Iced Earth or Savatage etc? THAT’S Metal! Now go wear your baggy pants elsewhere!

What band right now do you think is the most dangerous, and not in a Marilyn Manson/Cradle of Filth kind of way, but legitimately?

Any band out there promoting racism, any sort of racism through their lyrics, and I don’t mean bands depicting on racism like writing a song about racism which sometimes could be interpreted the wrong way (take Slayer for example). I’m talking about bands that go Kill the mothafucking jew - kill tha mothafuckin’ niggah and shit like that. What? You didn’t know bands like that exist out there? Hello? This is planet Earth, year 2005. Just because there’s more open minded people than there used to be doesn’t mean that there aren’t any racists anymore. There are and quite a few I must say. Get a life, fuckers! We’re all brothers and sisters living on the same shithole in this corner of the universe! And as long as there’ll be racists out there, there will be music promoting that kind of shit, you know and we don’t need that kind of shit. Heavy Metal and Rock ‘n’ Roll, those two things, those are values that were born, were created - because music is a creative form of art - were created to unite people. And music unites us all.

Is it possible for anyone to make a metal record as cool as Slayer’s Reign In Blood again? What would it take?

Nah, I don’t really think it is. All things in music are unique, you know. Just like our asses. We all have an ass but it’s like unique. We may have some similarities like you could have 3 hemorrhoids and I could have 3 hemorrhoids but it still wouldn’t be the same ass ’cause your hemorrhoids would be on different spots, you know, of your asshole, compared to mine. If it were possible though I guess it would take a big amount of balls, you know, big hairy balls, some hellish thirst for Heavy Metal and groupies - of course - groupies with tits the size of nuclear warheads!

Name one Rock chick that you’d like to bang up the pooper while her boyfriend is forced to watch.

Epica’s singer, Simone Simons. Dunno if she even has a boyfriend. Don’t mind if he watches me go knocking on her back door…as long as he doesn’t feel we’re setting up a train…

Do you know of any bands out there who successfully combine Rock N’ Roll, art, humor, sex, and drugs? If so, what can we all do to spread the word?

Oh, but you’ve always known them. I guess if you exclude sex, twist the word humor a bit and keep the rest then you’ve probably got Pink Floyd - in a sense. But to add sex and humor as they are, well, I’d say… Weird Al Yankovic? Hahahaha…

Did you ever notice that Indie-rock dudes who work at American university radio stations think that they’re cooler than everyone else, except for their lame indie-rock buddies? Is this because they understand what Rolling Stone means when the newest R.E.M. record has a good pop sensibility?

Well, I can’t say I’ve noticed anything since I don’t live in the U.S. but in Europe. Thing is that there’s always been some dude who thinks he’s cooler than the rest of the planet. There’s probably quite a few people out there (not just in the U.S. - I mean everywhere) who don’t know shit about Rock ‘n’ Roll, yet get the chance to spread their bullshit wannabeism all over some poor city or now (even worse) all over the internet. I’m not saying that I’m some mastermind, living super/ubber metal library or whatever. But at least I won’t go do something I’m not sure I know anything about. Indeed sometimes you’ve got to appreciate cheesy Manowar lyrics like wimps and posers, leave the hall!. Fuck yeah!

What’s the most fun band you’ve interviewed on Metal-Temple.com this past year? What made them so fun?

Chach & Perzonal War. The Perzonal War interview ain’t up yet since it’s extremely long and… during the interview with the entire band there were various interruptions such as loud farts, more farts, lots of laughter, some feeble screams, moans and what not… I loved the Chach interview for quite apparent reasons…

We in Chach really like the word, ’cunting’. What do you think about it?

I think this is quite the cunting question, my dear Chachers! You can hunt a cunt but can you cunt a hunt? I think you could call some situations cunting too. Like if the weather’s all fucked up and you’re walking down the street, trying to get home after abusing your liver with barrels of booze along with your buddy, then all of a sudden you get a totally unexplained boner which won’t go away unless you dive into the first phone booth you come across and start spanking the monkey while dialing 911 with your tongue.. Now that’s a cunting situation. At least in my lil world…

And finally, I think we all want to know what your record is for number of times you’ve whacked off in one day. I’ll bet we got you beat!!!

I once tried to head for 20. I think that by the tenth attempt, I really gave up. Baywatch used to help a lot back then! Then one day I realized it was way more fun to have someone do that for you instead. That’s how I met so many people (the Music Industry and its evil handjob conspiracies no one will ever get to know…). Hm, we can always set up a live stream competition. Dicks out, set, go!