Essenz - Mundus Numen

Essenz

Mundus Numen

by Eric "Carnegie" Hall at 20 July 2012, 4:00 AM

What the hell was that? No. No, no, no, no, no, no. NO, NO, NO, NO! NEIN! I’m not reviewing this seriously. I can’t. I can’t possibly sit here and keep a straight face while I try to accurately spell out how much this album sucks. I really hope the band doesn’t ever read this, I genuinely do. I don’t get any kind of cheap thrill by insulting the works of others. But this ambient piece of shit was such a monumental waste of time I feel as if I am owed by the band 48 minutes and 30 seconds to replace that which I lost. That time could have been spent working on my blowjob robot or my Batman costume. At the very least I could have painted something.

But no, it was spent having this shit pumped into my ears like audio poison.

Why does it suck? Therein lays the issue. Understand this is “Avant-Garde Gothic / Black Metall” – or something akin to that. So the issue is not with any errors or faults of the any of the band members’ ability, no. The fault is found in the genre itself; it simply inherently sucks. That’s my opinion, anyway.

So many musical set pieces are randomly pasted together and then discarded – to be replaced by another. Whispering, death grunts, organ pipes, some lady having a fit in the background (really), growls, people screaming, slow groovy riffs, schizophrenic riffs, more organ pipes, long sustained grunts, and sudden blast beats. Oh, there is more. But the list in its entirety would be so long as to put Nixon’s enemies list to shame. Well, fuck that. All these motifs only fit together to form some basic background noise while you slit the throat of a virgin in a cemetery. I don’t do that. So how can I possibly get into a piece of music that defines itself as overly relying on the concept of ambience?

I can’t. I don’t want to, and I won’t. No personal attack towards the band in question, ESSENZ, but I would have preferred to listen to an entire herd of unemployed water buffalo angrily and loudly attempt to hump a circular saw then listen to anything you have done, are doing, or ever will do in the realm of music.