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Goatvulva – Goatvulva

by Laura Glover at 06 October 2020, 6:46 AM

GOATVULVA was a Finnish band from 1989, a “booze project” of Black Metal. I’m not even sure what or how to label this. 31 tracks on the self-titled LP, altogether assaulting on the ears as well as a horror you just can’t quite look away from. A piece that leaves you wondering, “What in the absolute HELL was that?!!”. This is not an LP for anyone who likes any semblance of soft, or nice, or cozy, or not demon possessed. While the titles of the songs may leave you wondering, they swear they aren’t a satanic band. More of, and I quote, “XXX rated porno speed noise”, band. However, if you just happen to like music that somehow makes you feel like you should probably sage yourself, just to be safe, after listening; THIS is the LP for you. Truly an apt sound to re-release a compilation of just before Halloween 2020. So, this year, when you set up your haunted house… play this to get yourself in the mood. I should add that the members that was GOATVULVA are also now in BEHERIT to date. Well, get your devil horns on. Leave your crosses at home, lest you start convulsing during this self-titled LP, "Goatvula". Let’s digress, if I can even do such a thing, and try to describe this sound.

Do Me Evil (Intro)” - This track has almost an old timey jazz sound, while demons have sex in the background. Whispers and breathlessness, broken by a woman gasping loudly, mixed with old jazz notes, and disembodied voices floating in the background. I’m not sure if the woman was in pleasure or pain. An effect I’m sure they aimed for. “Mmm, Wet and Juicy” - Just as the title suggests, this song starts out with some wacked out music and a woman moaning in time. It is the kind of song that leaves your head just a little more fucked up just for having heard. Welcome to the madness. “Nuclear Clit Game” - I don’t even know what to say. This sounds like if they released the hounds of hell and possibly started banging some trash cans and playing mentally disturbing guitar along with it. Your soul feels unclean after this one.

Blasphemous Sexfago” - Sexual fantasy in dark mists of despair and soul-stealing demonic entities. The vocals in here, if you can even call them vocals, are so- very dark and hard to decipher in its whispery content. All adding to the effect ultimately. Like, maybe this is what Jeffrey Dahmer’s head sounded like? “At the Gates of Fornication” - Coming in sounding a little like a garage band mixture, there’s a bunch of raging guitar that kind of has an aimless type of feel to it. And maybe even a little distortion to boot. This song sounds choppy and the distortion tended to make my speakers sound like they were bad, even though they aren’t. There were no vocals of any kind, just this mash up of raging guitar that did not agree with my speakers one bit. “Satanic Sex” - This one leads in with some strong guitar, but still has that aimless sound. Yet, throw in some synthesis and it pops a lot more than the last song I described. This song has that sound of an underground band, where you’d have a rave in some dark tunnel somewhere. Deep, dark, black metal.

This whole album, "Goatvulva", is an experience from beginning to end. Dark as sin, and hellish as the fires of Hades. The band, GOATVULVA, may be no more. But can be heard again through the previously mentioned, BEHERIT. To be entirely honest, this LP is not for the light of heart. This is more of a compilation for the collector of band memorabilia; or the lover of very Devilish music. Parts of this LP I liked, parts of it I’m just not sure of. This is something I would say you would have to listen to for yourself and see how you feel about it.

Songwriting: 5
Musicianship: 4
Memorability: 4
Production: 3

2 Star Rating

1. Do Me Evil (Intro)
2. Bitch Goddess
3. Bizarre Dreams
4. Midnight Suck Session
5. Wanna Drill Your Black Hole
6. Black Love
7. Mmm, Wet and Juicy
8. Nuclear Clit Game
9. 69 Passion
10. Crucifixus
11. Mistress from Hades
12. Nocturnal Blessing
13. Blasphemous Sexfago
14. Intramantic
15. Undefiled Wisdom
16. At the Gates of Fornication
17. Black 666
18. Satanic Sex
19. Doglord of Impiety
20. Intropic Pleasures
21. Cats of Mortification
22. Procreation of Black Goat
23. Angel Vomit
24. Sadomator
25. B. M. Goat
26. Evil Souls
27. Let’s Kill All
28. Unholy Captain
29. Hate
30. Bloodfire
31. Dark Triumph
Nuclear Holocausto
Sodomatic Slaughter
Record Label: Werewolf Records


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